I smell liquor.
off your mouth in a grey evening
standing close in a crisp white T-shirt,
staring into my eyes
hazel to teal.
I hear Nina Simone
from your playlist.
Your heated whisper “Because you’re mine.”
And you pull me into
those comforting arms of yours,
my only place to abide by.
I see temptation and need.
Your hoarse voice
echoing the lifeless walls of my room
“I need you so.”
I am on my knees now.
Your honesty disarms me,
your touch makes me reel like
I am a spiritual beast
in search of piety.
I sense fear
In your jagged breathing
with your head on my chest,
your arms encircling my waist.
My unsteady heartbeat not mirroring yours,
you look at me.
Searching for disclosure
my masked emotions deceiving you.
You take me at your pace.
Slowly, savouring every bit.
I will worship you
For you showed me the depth of walls of passion,
for you beguile me
and I let go
daring to fly, daring to be Icarus again.
And despite me being torn up,you have a wealth of love to give.
You didn’t run.
You chose to lay your world at my feet.
As you can already figure out from the title, I have finished reading To Kill A Mockingbird and I just can’t get over Boo Radley and Atticus Finch. Harper Lee is purity. Its perhaps one of the best books if all time and please give it a read if you haven’t, already.
Holidays are finally here and school has ended for now. I can’t believe the year is coming to an end, though. But honestly, this year has been the worst so far.
Christmas is around the corner. Park Street will light up again and it wll look like a thousand bucks worthy as usual. Everyone spending time with their families, fairs, circuses and of course fairy lights. I can’t point out any reason as to why I don’t like December. This month brings everyone together (pretty much) and festivity is always in the air.
As it is vacation time, I plan to read Catcher In The Rye and Kafka On The Shore. These two little books were waiting patiently to be read and now I have the time to do so. These two final weeks of my December will consist of studying, competing God awful projects, and of course weekly tests. I plan to get through these in the utmost cheerful way possible. Because carpe diem, friend.
I hope 2017 won’t let me down or is it the other way around ? I will take my leave now.
Enjoy the 25th of December. Do whatever you feel like doing. Because its not everyday that you get a 24-hour long break. Am I right?
Now that he is gone, you don’t look forward to the rays of warmth peeking from your window. You plan to put your phone on divert mode and pull the duvet over your head and get lost in the longing emptiness. But your limbs will you and you get up from your now ragged mattress and the ground beneath somehow supports you to the dining space. You are both angry and sad at yourself.
Was there anything less? Maybe he was tired of my whiny talks every night. What was it that made this happen?
Even as you mourn your loss, you are happy that he died before you did. You can still wake up knowing that he won’t be there beside you, curled up like a rose devoid of thorns. That you have to order for one every time you decide to have coffee. You are happy that he died before you because as you walk through the streets with your arms folded, you will be reminded of the walks every evening. He will be there to ensure that you don’t trip and fall.
Even though he is gone he will always be there to heal you. You will dig deep into those arguments and the moments and would want to know every fibre of what he meant.
Men are literal creatures. They usually mean what they say. Maybe I wasn’t perfect enough for him, then. Was there nothing that I could’ve done? Just to undo this? This pain hugging my chest?
As the hands of the clock tick by swiftly, he will heal you. He will make you remember what you meant to him and how much compatible you were with him. He will show you what you are still capable of. Still worthy of.
Even though he is gone, he will see through you and nurture the hope. He will heal you and see to it whether you dare to dream again. Whether you would be willing to try and start afresh. With time he will teach how to how growing up means “turning your pain into a rose that is easy for someone to hold”. With time, he will teach how healing isn’t just reciprocation.
Picture © Agastopia
Have you ever heard of the dark side? Its a place where you find shabby pages with secrets, age old proverbs scribbled on the lifeless walls. Madonnas depriving them of their natural beauty. Demons lurking inside. Waiting to pounce upon you.
Let me tell you. Its a place where love is defined as fine as fallacy. You will feel your bile rising in your throat. Its the place where each and everyone wants to be accepted. You feel real sick. The colour of your blood turning emerald with every turn of event.
It a place which harbours your bitterness. Your vicious beast kept at bay. Your treacherous, destructive self that you bred for so long.
You know this yourself. You are driven. But every time you look at yourself in the ill fated mirror, the ghost like face stares back at you with disgust. You are fucked up on too many levels. You are tired of the false assurances. That’s the time when the axioms which are never meant to rejuvenate, surface.
What now? What are you afraid of? Is it cleaving a vein that has made you a coward?
Don’t think for one second that it is the place where medication and solution based therapy shit is going to help you. Its not.
You are going to pay for your abominable mess.
Picture : © Amartya Khan